Monday, 9 September 2013

having hope

i thought i would continue the "series" of advice style posts i had on my old blog onto this blog as so many people seemed to enjoy reading them and getting something from them. i was inspired by louise's video about having hope so decided to do a blog post about how you should never, ever give up. happiness is always at the end of the tunnel.

growing up, i had to see some really, really tough stuff happen to my family. suicides and acts of suicides left my whole family (and extended family) in despair. this confused my grip that i had on my life as it was during my early teens, i had to grow up way quicker than any of my friends so i felt dislodged, as if i wasn't supposed to be around these kinds of people as we had nothing in common. as i really didn't feel like i fit in (as well as everything else i had to deal with), i found it extremely hard in being 'normal' and to communicate on a level of the people of my year. i had friends, none of them were particularly great until i met my best friend, i guess they were just acquaintances. as i never received the regular amount of attention from my family as everybody's thoughts were elsewhere, i turned to become a little out there in my fashion sense which obviously, as a young teenager, got my nothing but bad attention at school. i stuck out like a sore thumb meaning i was made the victim of petty comments 247. i can't even count of two hands how many times i wished i went to a different school. 

as everybody had such a negative opinion of me without actually knowing me, i felt excluded, like i didn't belong and wasn't worthy to belong - i felt second best to everybody around me. i was surrounded by trauma at school and at home, i decided to channel my energy into something i loved; fashion. i got into my dream at such an early age and i was so, so happy. i felt happy that my life had finally handed me something positive.

but then things began spiralling out of control with negativity, i don't know how i'm even here now considering how difficult it was to get by day by day. i felt up and down all of the time, i felt low, i felt high, i didn't want to get out of bed, i couldn't eat, i had no social wants, i heard voices, i wanted to harm myself at every given moment because i HATED myself. why? i don't know, the mind plays evil tricks on us and i'm facing a life of severe anxiety and a currently undiagnosed psychotic illness. i didn't know what was happening to me at the time and i've been a point of prejudice the whole way through by everybody, by family, by friends, by boyfriends, by strangers! i didn't have hope, i thought i would never live it through.

 i've learnt that people are ALWAYS negative if they don't have a clue what you're suffering with. no, it's not a negative, it's who i am and my experiences can only ever be used as a learning curve to make me better, make others more educated and to help others. 

things all got a bit too tough and i took an overdose, i really thought i couldn't cope any longer. i thought nobody was there for me, i knew everybody was judging me and i knew nobody was willing to help me. that was my only way out, in my eyes. it was a real test to see who really did care and i can count on one hand how many people but my family stuck around to help me, 2. the battle with my mental health continued to more attempted suicides until it's gotten to the point where i know i have to take charge. so i have, i'm receiving counselling, i'm on medication to help me, i'm surrounding myself with things i love doing and people who i love and enjoy being around. throughout the last few years of my life, i didn't have hope, well i thought i didn't but i must have or i wouldn't be here now.

i still regularly feel shocked at how far i've come and how much i've taken on my plate and dealt with. people may have nothing but negative feelings towards me but i feel nothing but to pity the people who just want me to suffer. said people who have been negative towards me were the ones who kept me under the blanket of horrible feelings, a never ending hell of prejudice and discrimination. i've been knocked down SO many times but always managed to fight through. i'm so happy of the things i've managed to achieve, being able to attend LFW's at the age of 15 and being able to write for some amazing magazines has given me the greatest start imaginable.

starting the road to recovery has changed my mental outlook completely, i now feel happier than i ever have before, i'm so pleased with how far i've come and what i've achieved, as are my family and friends. i've learnt relationships aren't everything, social status isn't everything, what is important is how YOU feel inside and if something isn't making you happy, you should speak up and do what makes YOU happy.

there is always light at the end of the tunnel, have hope that one day, good things shall come. 
"we all have bad days but one thing is true; no cloud is so dark that the sun can't come through"